Testosterone
by Narya Anima
Summary: Luffy and Sanji, the waiters of Baratie, were very surprised when instead of wedding party guests, the restaurant was visited by a bunch of angry men. Apparently, the wedding between Portgas D. Ace, the famous ornithologist, and Carina, the pop star, went wrong. Very wrong. Fantastic. As if they didn't have their own problems. Based on Polish theatre comedy "Testosteron".
1. Chapter 1

Hallo. I'm back with a new story. Since it's based on actual theatre comedy from my country it's not gonna take long. For people who read my other two stories: "Brotherhood of D" and "Vine, Smoke and Exclamation" I just finished my uni exams and need some time to get back to writing.

XxX

 **Testosterone**

 **Summary:** Luffy and Sanji, the waiters of Baratie, was very surprised when instead of wedding party guests, the restaurant was visited by a bunch of angry men. Apparently, the wedding between Portgas D. Ace, the famous ornithologist, and Carina, the pop star, went wrong. Very wrong. Fantastic. As if they didn't have their own problems. Based on Polish theatre comedy "Testosteron".

 **WARNING! The fic will contain conversations about sex and will not exactly talk nice about women. The original story is a tale of broken hearts of men but also that they are not saints either.**

 **I neither own 'One Piece' nor 'Tesosteron'.**

Oh, and btw, Garp is here the father, not grandpa. As I said the story is based on already existing comedy and while I hanged some stuff some needed to remain. It just so happened that Garp couldn't stay as a grandpa. Please ask questions if you have any. I'll try to clear everything as long as it won't spoil the fun.

Enjoy!

XxX

Chapter 1

"Praise be to Jesus Christ." said the priest.

"Forever and ever. Amen." the parishioners answered as they made the symbol of the cross and put their hands to pray.

"Dear brothers and sisters. We meet on this beautiful day to connect the holy and irrevocable marriage knot of these two beloved children of the God."

XxX

Ussop woke up in the car. He wasn't sure how it all started but he was sure of few things.

First one, his nose was broken and the blood covered his face. His suit was probably ruined but it wasn't the apogee of his problems.

Second, he was sitting between two men. The one on the left was a very tall, skinny and had an afro. He was wearing a white suit with orange shirt and a white furry coat with black-gray flowery ornaments. The crown-like hat was on the top of his head. He was looking at the landscape from behind his round orange glasses not caring what was happening inside the vehicle. The one on the right had dyed green hair, a scar on his left eye and classic motorcycle sunglasses. Three golden earrings were hanging from his earlobe. Similarly to the other man he was wearing a white jacket, but contrary a navy blue leather pants. He was looking ahead with an unreadable expression.

Third, the front sits were occupied by the man in his late fifties. He was drawing and looked pissed judging by his tightened muscles. It was hard to say how exactly he looked like from Usopp's position. The other man was quite tall, but not as tall as the one in orange glasses, and was this type of a big guy but as Usopp observed him he was also rather mellow.

At this moment said man looked at Usopp for a second. He had light brown hair, big black eyes and blue bruise on his whole nose. He looked away at the old driver.

"I-I'm af-afraid we pro-proceed t-too hasti-ly." he stuttered

The old man looked at him angrily.

"You're Ace's friend!" It was more of a statement than a question but the other one nodded anyway.

"You're his friend and you say 'too' fucking 'hastily'?"

The younger man wanted to add something more when he looked at the road and screamed. The old driver pressed the steering wheel and the car sent the loud sound of the klaxon. Then he suddenly turned the car. They barely managed to avoid the car accident.

XxX

Sanji was polishing the tea spoons. The guests were suppose to be in Baratie at 3 p.m. so he and Luffy had only 2 hours until the start of the wedding party. Everything was ready but they must have made sure there was an order. The marriage couple were suppose to be some important people. It was a shame that Zeff was visiting North Blue and left the restaurant to Patty and Carne. Two cooks weren't the best at their job and Sanji would with pleasure take care of the kitchen but there was two main problems. First one, Luffy. The new waiter was a walking disaster and Sanji have to make sure he didn't destroyed anything. Second one was just taking with him on the den-den mushi.

"Don't think that you're gonna make me feel guilty with this silence." he said.

The female voice resounded in the speaker. The woman was angry.

"Oh! Because it's always ending like that-" he yelled angrily and swung his arm. The spoon fell out of his hand and with a twang hit the ground.

"-when a man shows you he cares." he added more gently. The woman added something. "I don't get it. Can't you, women, learn that when there is a problem you are supposed to talk about it! You are supposed..."

He heard a bipping sound of hung up.

XxX

In the car Monkey D. Garp was in an aweful mood. This wedding was suppose went differently. The old marine should now see as his son kiss his bride. But this!

"What about Ace?" he asked others not really caring who would answer.

"I don't know..." Chopper said meekly "It was so crowded. Everyone was jumping at one another."

Garp shot his head and make a disgusted sound.

"You know what. I wouldn't want to have you in the squad if the war broke out." he said grimly.

Chopper curled up.

"I have an 'E'." he admitted with shame.

"A what?"

"An 'E' - Permanently incapable of serving in the army. So even if there was the outbreak I..." he stopped when Garp looked at him again. The old marine looked more and more angry with every passing minute. Not like anyone was going to blame him.

XxX

"Why are you lying like that..." Sanji asked as he polished the calyxes "You wanna catch a cold? Come one. Stand up." he said as he looked down. "You want me to beg you? That's what you want? You can lie how long you want. I don't care" he muttered and looked at the glass for last flifth stain. "Don't even think I'm gonna beg you." he said more forcefully. He looked down again. "I don't give a fuck."

He left the room. The spoon was still on the ground.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Luffy was adjusting the glasses and cutlery on the main table when ChoChou, the owner's dog barked. The car from 80's, typical for wedding parties arrived the property. It restrained suddenly. The young waiter raised the eyebrow. The driver was clearly in a bad mood. ChouChou ran away to his doghouse, probably already sensing bad news.

The old man went out of the car. He opened the back door. The tall man in afro exited the vehicle as fast as he could. The old man suddenly jumped inside and started to pull and yank with the other man inside.

"No! Ugh! No!" Luffy heard man's yells.

The old man attacked again and this time a scrawny man with black curly hair and long, broken nose fall out of the car and violently hit the ground. The man with dyed green hair left the vehicle and the only one left was a guy on the front seat. He nervously looked at the old man and his victim, as he started nibbling his nails.

Luffy decided it was the high time to say something. He amended his tie and spoken up.

"Why are you, gentlemen, so early. The party was supposed to start at three." he said trying to sound politely just like Sanji taught him.

"Fuck off!" said the old man.

Luffy winced a bit and looked at the long nosed man.

"Usually such entertainment we have at the end." he muttered.

Older man's mood didn't change.

"How many times I must repeat?! Are you some kind of a moron?!"

Luffy inhaled slowly. He wasn't supposed to punch clients. Even the rude ones.

"Nice place." said the man with dyed hair as he took off his glasses.

"You wanna switch?" Luffy asked him maybe a bit too bitterly. Both he and Sanji had recently some problems and they could tell this 'party' will be a royal pain in the ass.

Speaking about Sanji, he needed to know the guests arrived.

XxX

Garp looked at the two man in white.

"I don't think we know each other. I'm Monkey D. Garp." he said and hand out his hand into greeting manner.

"Roronoa Zoro." greeted the one with dyed hair.

"Brook Bones." said the tall one.

"Anyway, thank you for your help, gentlemen. I don't think I would manage with this piece of crap" he said as he pointed his shoe at the scrawny man on the ground. "Little mongrel, yet he managed to resist for a good few minutes."

XxX

 _Usopp was in the church. On the ground. Kicked and beat like an animal._

XxX

"I spent half of the day on waxing them and they're already dull." said Garp as he looked at his shoes.

"Please! It's some kind of bloody misunderstanding!" the man on the ground said weakly yet forcefully. He felt dizzy from all the beating he got today.

"Shut up!" said Garp "You're lucky that they didn't break, punk." he said still talking about his footwear. "Do you have an idea how much did they cost me?"

"Nice footgear." said Brook who just looked at the attire. He always liked the wear something stylish.

"From Red Line. And they look like they're from South Blue, don't they?"

"I said it's a misunderstanding!" Usopp yelled this time.

"Shut your whore mouth!"

XxX

Luffy went inside the room. Dadan, the older charwoman of Baratie was just ironing her working uniform.

"Where are Patty and Carne?" Luffy asked her. He knew her for like forever.

"You are supposed to knock." she hissed.

"Sanji says you are only supposed to knock pretty ladies." he said in all his obliviousness.

The other waiter just went inside the room. Dadan shot him an angry look.

"Idiot!"

"Dadan, please." Sanji said as he crossed his arms. "The 'guests' just arrived and they are not here for a party so can you tell us where are these two morons?"

"And where are usually cooks?" she asked as she rolled her eyes. "In the kitchen!"

XxX

Chopper looked at the scenery still sitting in the car. He was wondering what he should do. He was here for a wedding, not murder.

"It does truly is a beautiful place." said the tall man. Brook as his name, wasn't it?

The green haired man, Zoro, only smiled and nodded to his friend.

"Yeah, fucking pretty." Nodded Mr Garp as he glared at the man lying on the ground. He grabbed the man up to probably took him somewhere else. Then his eyes looked at poor Chopper. He let the long-nosed to hit the ground again and went to the car.

"Get out!"

Chopper did as he was told.

XxX

"Didn't they said they gonna stop it!" half yelled half whispered Sanji as he looked at to sleeping cooks. The bottles of beer in their hands. Silly smiles on their faces.

"And you believed them?" asked Dadan as annoyed as the other two. The two morons didn't cook anything for the party.

"We need to hide them somewhere or they gonna cook us!" decided Sanji. He couldn't let the Baratie fall. It was Zeff's treasure!

Luffy and Dadan nodded as they started moving the bodies. Luffy took Carne piggyback while the other two employees grabbed Patty's hands and feet.

XxX

Garp looked at his den-den mushi.

"He's not picking it up." he muttered.

"I think I saw Mr Ace fell down." said Brook who was walking alongside him.

"Wasn't he hit with something?" said Chopper as he and Zoro carried still nose-bleeding Usopp. Said man was dragged roughly with his legs wiping the ground.

"Yeah, with this big candle." nodded Zoro "What is it called... umm... this..."

"Em..." Chopper hadn't any clue either.

"The paschal candle..." muttered Usopp weakly.

As he heard man's voice, Garp turned around and yelled.

"You was supposed to shut the fuck up!"

XxX

At the same time Luffy, Sanji and Dadan were moving two sleeping cooks.

"Right!" they heard the deep voice of Roronoa Zoro "The Paschal. And then he disappeared from my sight since everyone was jumping on him. Then he was carried out by this blond one."

The three Baratie workers looked at each other panicly and started moving to the other side. They couldn't let the customers see these two morons like that.

"Ah, yes. Dragon. My blood." nodded Garp who just entered the room. On the other side of the wall Sanji breath with relief.

After Garp the other three dragged Usopp inside. When they let him go he rolled under the billiard table that was standing in the middle of the room. He was safe here. For now.

XxX

 **A/N: Couldn't help myself and next chapter is already up. This story gonna be updated a lot. I can feel you're gonna have a lot of questions like: 'What did Usopp do?', 'Why Dragon has a blond hair. Shouldn't it be Sabo?' and others. Everything is gonna be discovered in next chapters. I plan to post the whole story till next Wednesday.**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Sanji, Luffy and Dadan all breathed with relief when two drunk cooks were out of sight. But one problem still remained.

"Now, go cook something."

Dadan looked at two waiters.

"What?"

They cocked their eyebrows.

"Someone needs to make some food, right?"

"Are you crazy? I'm a charwoman, not a cook. I have no clue how to do it. You're a cook here Sanji."

"And left him alone?" Sanji asked and pointed at the second waiter.

Dadan winced. She knew Sanji was right.

"What about Makino?" Luffy asked suddenly.

"Punk, she's not a cook but a barmaid."

"Yeah, a barmaid" he emphasised the last world. "I was there thousand times when Sanji kicked me out."

"You ate food for guests." Sanji said as he kicked the younger waiter.

"But Makino can cook. And she likes me. She'll help us."

As they decided they run to the bar next to Baratie.

XxX

Chopper kneeled next to the billiard table. The long-nosed man was still bleeding. He wanted to give him a tissue but he was stopped by the sharp voice of Mr Garp.

"What are you doing?"

"He's bleeding." said Chopper as if it was obvious.

"'Bleeding'? 'Bleeding'?! It's not war!"

Chopper blinked.

"Yes it isn't." he agreed.

"Yes it isn't" repeated Mr Garp and Chopper knew he didn't mean nothing good by it. "He's a rat, not a captive. He doesn't deserve anything... The only thing he deserves is a poison!"

Chopper stood up. There was no point in arguing with an old Marine.

"Speaking about poisons." Mr Garp spoke again as he looked at prepared glasses and calyxes. "Maybe we should take a little drink?"

"Mr Garp, there is no point in taking something little in life." said Mr Roronoa "If you're doing something do it with a blow."

Mr Garp smirked at him.

"Ah, young man, you have no idea how this philosophy is close to my heart." he said more to himself and then looked at Chopper again. "Mr 'Permanently incapable' will drink with us too, right?"

Chopper winced at the nickname.

"I would rather take a wine." he said shyly.

"Wine? It's not a faggot party!" he spat "Waiter!" he called but no employee of Baratie appeared. "Where is that moron?!"

XxX

"WAITER!"

Both Sanji and Luffy looked at each other. Makino agreed to help them but... Dadan was right. Makino was a barmaid, not a cook. She could make maybe 5 dishes but nothing too fancy. It was decided that Dadan would help Makino in the kitchen.

"WAITER!" they heard again.

"He's an impatient one..." muttered Sanji.

"More like anger-issue one." said Luffy and both men walked to the guest room.

XxX

The two waiters entered the room and saw four people. First, the older man in his late fifties. He was dressed in a Marine uniform. The expression on his face showed only anger. On the sofa were sitting two men in white suits. They looked rather odd with green dyed hair and crown-like hat. Near the billiard table was standing a big man in black suit with light brown hair. Luffy wondered where was the long-nosed fellow that he saw in the yard but decided it didn't matter.

"At your service." they said together.

"You lot better start doing your work or I'll stop being so nice!" said oldest man. He was still angry and probably nothing will change his mood for next a good few hours.

"How would like you, gentlemen, our service to be fulfilled?" asked Sanji with a forced smile.

"Like a servant... Firstly we would like something to drink."

Both waiters started preparing drinks when the man in black suit noticed the blood on his hands. Chopper flinched. It probably happened when Mr Roronoa and he dragged the long-nosed man into the room.

"Excuse me." he said meekly. "Where is the lavatory?"

Sanji was surprised by weird vocabulary but at least this guy was polite.

"Em... across the yard. Left door, then downstairs." he started explaining the route. Other guests looked at him weirdly. Since when the route to the restroom was that long. "Then right, then right, then right-"

"Stack, curlybrow?" asked the man with dyed hair. Sanji winced but decided to ignore the nickname for now.

"No, you just need to turn right three times... Anyway. Then you, gentleman, need to go upstairs and second door on the left is... no third. Second ones are the ladies restroom.

"What the fuck is it? The route to a closet or the plan of Marineford?!" old Marine was not amused.

"It's just that, that the main toilet got clogged." said Luffy this time.

For a second Chopper wanted to go but he couldn't remember the weird guidelines.

"I'm afraid I won't manage." he said.

"Then take a taxi." said Mr Roronoa. The man would never ever admit it but he was terrible with directions. Taxi was the only solution.

"Maybe I'll show you around." suggested Sanji but was immediately stopped by the old Marine.

"No. You two are here to make drinks."

Both waiters looked at one another and decided there was no use in arguing with the older man. He was intimidating.

Said ex-marine looked at Chopper.

"You have den-den?" when the man nodded Garp continued "Call us if you get lost."

Chopper does as he was told.

Sanji was about to fill the calyxes when Garp stopped him.

"In glasses. It's a man way." Sanji cursed internally. He put down the calyxes and took glasses. Luffy passed him a bottle of vodka. "Isn't waitering a shabby job. One needs to be a faggot to like that."

Garp sat down in front of men in white suits.

"Do you, gentlemen, know Ace for a long time?" he asked.

"We don't" denied Brook.

"We are Carina's guests." said Zoro.

"That bitch..." spat Garp. That woman should burn in hell! "But you, Bones, Roronoa, are okay dudes."

In this moment one of the waiters served them drinks.

"Why there is only three?" asked Garp.

The black haired waiter boy was surprised for a second.

"Because there is only three of you." it was more of a question than an actual statement.

"You have some problem with eyes?" asked ex-marine. "And that rat? He's not a dog!" he yelled pointing his hand at the long-nosed man under the billiard table. Then he added more gently. "I may be strict but I'm no monster."

"I don't want any vodka." said the long-nose but his pleases weren't welcomed.

"Noone asked you!"

XxX

At the same time, Chopper opened the door only to see a bunch of pipes taps.

XxX

"In the life of every man, there is a day when his son is about to get married." Garp stood up and started his toast monologue.

"And when he has a daughter?" asked Brook but seeing ex-marines' glare he only apologised. "Sorry."

Usopp looked into his glass of vodka still wondering what the hell is he doing here. He wasn't a wedding guest after all.

Sanji looked down. The oldest man was standing just a few feet away from the fallen spoon. Now as he thought about it, he probably should have picked it up.

"Usually at this moment, such man would drink to celebrate and complement the beauty of his daughter-in-law. Unfortunately for us, gentlemen, life is not a romcom. So, today, we have no other choice then say: 'Go to hell you all treacherous whores'!" he half said half yelled and drank his whole drink.

Others did the same. That 'wedding' was a hell after all.

When Garp was about to sit down he stomped on the forgotten spoon and fell down on the floor. Deaf crash. The glass from his hand went flying and Luffy was lucky to have good reflexes and caught it. Sanji kneeled down as fast as he could and grasped the spoon and hidden it in his pocket.

At this moment Chopper was back. His whole hands red. He wasn't sure if he was more shocked about his own state then Mr Grap's who was lying on the flood obfuscated.

Brook winced when he saw his hands.

"You have hematuria?" Zoro asked bluntly.

"Worse!"

XxX

 _Chopper went through the yard but when he went inside the next building he lost his way. On his way he has found two drunken men, the kitchen, and ladies restroom but as he was gentleman he decided to find the other one. Then he saw it. The pipes room. He found there three taps. For good minute he was deciding which one he should use and choose the middle one. For a second there was nothing and then. Red!_

XxX

"There was a red paint in the tap." Chopper said still shocked.

"Crap!" cursed Sanji and gave the poor man a tissue. "Gentlemen, you choose the wrong room."

"But I went just like you, Mr Waiter, told me to." he took the fabric and started cleaning his hands.

Brook and Zoro looked at the employees with a silent question.

"He must have found the storage." said Luffy.

"Owner's grand niece is an artist." agreed Sanji. "Performances and so on. She keeps her stuff there." he looked at Chopper who still couldn't clean his hands fully and his skin was covered with red strains. "You, gentlemen must have turned the 'Tap of Balladina'.

XxX

 _A month ago in Baratie was organised the Art Meet. Grace, also known as Miss Goldenweek, the grand niece of an owner was about to start her presentation. It was her big day. Everyone important in the art world was here: Miss Doublefinger, Sir Crocodile, Mr. 3..._

 _"Tap of Balladina" she presented "Is and artwork that reconstructs romantic ideas. Letting flow inside..." she made a hand sign as if something was running through the pipes. "in this dead state of banality... a stinking but bracing..."_

 _Something gurgled inside the pipes._

 _"Gurgle of anxiety!"_

 _Luffy and Sanji only looked at each other. Thay had no clue what that girl was talking about. Not like that stopped Sanji from saying that she was the greatest and most beautiful artist in the world._

XxX

"No no no... I went along the guidelines. Third door on the left!"

"On the right!" denied Sanji. "I said, right, right?" he asked and looked at Zoro, Brook and Luffy. His workmate only shrugged while the other two shot their heads. "I said left?" They nodded.

"I told you they are morons!" yelled Garp who just now shanked off his dizziness and tried to stand up.

Luffy glared at the man and probably wanted to shout something but Sanji put a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. The blond knew that Luffy never liked when someone insulted his friends and Sanji was one, no question about it.

"I would prefer if you, mister, didn't call me such names." he asked as gently as he could. This day was annoying anyway.

"And how am I supposed to call you? Your highness?" Garp half laughed half split.

"Call us nothing. We have a bad day, okay?!" Luffy was slowly losing his cool and even Sanji wasn't able to calm him down. Both waiters get back to bar table to make new drinks.

Usopp, still under the table, looked at the waiter to the ex-marine. One would have thought that after the wedding from hell it would be calmer here, in the countryside. Apparently not.

"Bad day... The bad day had your mother when she met your father." said oldest man, still talking in the same manner. "Evidently it was his first day out of the tree!"

"I don't know I never met my father." Luffy said calmly. One would have thought that what you don't know won't hurt you. For a long time, Luffy didn't even realise what father was. He was used that he only had a mother, Makino and Shanks. But lately... how was he supposed to be a father if he never has one.

"Buy a zoo ticket" the ex-marine didn't notice the mood swing. "I'm sure you apes will recognise each other!" and it was a breaking point.  
The scrawny waiter turned around in a second ant looked old marine in the eyes.

"One more word and I'll kick your ass."

You could feel the temperature in the room going down.

Garp cocked an eyebrow. He was a war veteran: old but still enough to show you where is your place. This kid was scrawny anyway.

"Oh, finally some human reaction."

"He's not joking." said Usopp still lying where he was. Not like he cared what would happen to Mr Monkey. Maybe he'll finally have an occasion to explain everything.

Sanji could only agree with him. If you pissed Luffy... it wasn't pretty.

"Shut up, you rat!" Grap's attention change to the long-nosed man.

"Or maybe you should finally shut up." Luffy's voice was calm but everyone could feel the storm and they all waited for what was going to happen. Noone wanted to be caught in the cross fire. Garp had enough.

"Okey, listen now..." he wanted to grab waiter's shirt but a sudden attack of dizzyness from previous accident give an advantage to the boy. The waiter grabbed his hand and flipped the large man through his back. The marine was on the ground again. In a matter of seconds, Luffy sat on him and keep his arm sprinkled so the man wouldn't stand up.

Everyone was shocked. To see this scrawny boy overpower this large man? It did was something. This who know Luffy, were aware that in his little body was more strength then in 10 grown up man. But people who knew Garp realized that the boy had also a lot of luck, since the ex-marine was a bit obfuscated.

For a second there was silence with only sounds of jerking on the ground Garp.

"I told you he's not joking." said the long-nosed man as he stood up from his hideout under the billard table. "An argument is the most common cause of murder in the whole world. I would not undervalue this. Usopp Sogeking." he introduced himself.

"Luffy Mugiwara." said the waiter with a nod.

"Sanji Kuroashi." called the other one.

Usopp acknowledged and continued his reasoning.

"Predominately, murder is not actually an assault on an unaware victim, but rather an effect of dynamic interaction between the victim, the assaulter and witnesses, of said interaction, in other words: us."

Luffy almost laughed. Garp was still trying to stand up but the teen held him in his place.

"But I don't want to kill him."

"You don't. But you will." Usopp agreed and disagreed at the same time.

"What? Why?" he asked a bit confused.

"What 'why'? To keep the reputation. Honour, in other worlds, that was insulted by the victim's rude comments in the painful presence, let's not forget about it, witnesses!"

Silence. The man was right.

"Wow, you're good at this, aren't you? I'm Zoro Roronoa." the green haired introduced himself.

"Brook Bones." said the man in the furry coat.

"Usopp Sogeking, at your service." he acknowledged.

The last man decided he should introduce himself as well.

"I'm doctor Tony Tony Chopper. Just call me Chopper."

"Usopp. It's nice to meet y-"

"What the bloody hell!" yelled Garp finally free from Luffy's grasp. "If there is one person who has the right to murder in this local, it is my son! And during his absence, I'll represent him! There is no bigger crime! Even for a stolen horse was death penalty not to mention..."

"Excuse me?" the meek voice of Makino sounded in the room. All men looked at her. "Which one of you, gentlemen, is called Monkey D. Garp?"


End file.
